Casting 5 WWE Superstars in a Final Fantasy VII movie

After half a decade of anticipation - and nearly 15 years since the original launched for the Sony PlayStation - Square Enix's PlayStation 4 remake of their classic Final Fantasy VII has been released.

The critics - including yours truly, as well - have all been raving about this new take of one of the most influential video games of all time, and the players have responded in kind. And, with the majority of the world's population stuck at home, needing something to kill the time with, a 40-50 cinematic-style RPG is just what the infectious disease specialist ordered.

With the Final Fantasy VII Remake slowly becoming one of 2020's cultural touchstones - and with Hollywood going to need to start cranking out films once things are back to normal, it's not unreasonable to think that some movie studios would turn to properties that are already on the minds of audiences.

In 2018, Square Enix helped produce a fairly successful film based on another one of their properties - Tomb Raider. For that film, however, the game publisher turned to Hollywood heavyweights Warner Bros. Studios to produce and distribute the picture.

My point being that, considering how ambitious a film based on a title with one of the most complex plotlines in video game history would have to be, chances are that - and no disrespect intended - WWE Studios are probably not the production company that would be first on the list of potential developers.

On the other hand, we're going to pretend they are, anyway, because that sounds like a fun thing to talk about.

So buckle up, all you fine folks living smack-dab in the middle of that Venn diagram of both gamers and WWE fans - we're going to take a look at who we would cast in this most epic of video games movies out of the current crop of WWE Superstars.

Before we begin, if you're not entirely familiar with the story of the original game, here's a seven-minute-long summary of the story and characters.

#5. Barret Wallace, as played by Mark Henry

Over the course of his WWE Hall of Fame career, former World Heavyweight Champion and "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry has shown the WWE faithful plenty of different sides of himself. He's been the driven competitor, never backing down from a challenge.

He's also been a ruthless and uncaring monster, sending his opponents into his own "Hall of Pain" in order to win Championships and accomplish his goals. On top of that, he's also shown he can be light-hearted and silly and not take himself too seriously.

Barret Wallace, the leader of the environmentalist group AVALANCHE, fits that mold, too. When he first begins working with the game's hero, Cloud Strife, he doesn't trust him in the least.

While Cloud, early on, clearly demonstrates that he's more than capable of handling himself on the game's missions to help cripple the game's villainous Shinra Electric Power Co., you get the sense that Barret would have no qualms about leaving Cloud to die in a volley of missile fire if it meant the success of the mission.

But, Barrett is also a loyal friend, loving adoptive father and a guy who can crack a joke here and then when the occasion calls for it - much like Mark Henry himself. After all, Henry's friendship with both his fellow Nation of Domination members, as well as his fellow former World Heavyweight Champion The Big Show, is well-documented.

And he's always been an attentive father to the hand that he fathered with Mae Young.

Henry may be technically retired from the WWE ring but, in this alternate scenario, he's still full in the fight to protect the planet's Lifestream!

Other candidates: Big E and Titus O'Neal

#4. Tifa Lockhart, as played by Paige

As Cloud Strife's childhood friend, Tifa Lockhart has a major role in the narrative of Final Fantasy VII. While not necessarily the love interest of the title's hero (it's a pretty complicated game), Tifa is a loyal friend and also a formidable fighter in her own right.

Driven by tragic events that saw her father killed and her hometown destroyed by a magically enhanced super-soldier-turned-absolute-goddamned-nightmare (more on him in a minute), Tifa dedicated her life to destroying the source of her pain - the Shinra Electric Power Co.

Cutting a slim and athletic figure, Tifa carries a pugilistic battle style into combat in the game, along with a sense of agility and acrobatics. Her raven-dark hair and clothing are uncommon for a business owner (Tifa is the proprietor and general manager of the Seventh Heaven tavern, which also doubles as headquarters for AVALANCHE).

She has a lot in common with another WWE star with some previous general manager experience - former Diva's Champion Paige.

On top of having the same build and look as the Stunner from the Sector 7 Slums, Paige also carries herself with the same type of attitude and outlook of life. If you've ever seen Fighting With My Family, the Hollywood biopic produced by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson based on her life, you know that Paige hasn't had the most... conventional of lives. And that's putting it mildly.

We're certain that Paige - who was forced to retire from in-ring action in 2018 due to injuries - wouldn't mind returning to some major action in from of an audience once again. Especially considering she's a Twitch-streaming gamer herself.

Other candidates: Nikki Bella and Shotzi Blackheart

#3. Aerith Gainsborough, as played by Bayley

As the "Last Ancient", Aerith has probably the most important role in the game's narratives, outside of the game's primary hero and villain.

She's an individual holding onto the last remnants of an entire race of beings about to be wiped off the planet - as well as one being hunted by that planet's largest corporation, as they believe she is the key to them obtaining unlimited wealth and power.

That's a lot for one person to carry all at once.

Despite that, however, Aerith never loses her happy, carefree attitude. She is always looking at the positive side of things and always going into every situation in the game with a sense of wide-eyed enthusiasm.

It's this optimism that eventually contributes to [SPOILER REDACTED FOR ANYONE WHO HASN'T PLAYED A NEARLY 15-YEAR OLD VIDEO GAME], but it's also what makes her the game's most endearing character.

Current WWE SmackDown Women's Champion Bayley began her career in Vince McMahon's company in much the same fashion. Wide-eyed? Sure. But, she was always never unrealistic about the odds in front of her. Bayley always knew what she wanted to accomplish and kept on fighting until she either won the fight or was beaten herself.

Yes, she's playing a miserable, angry, scheming bad guy - and playing It exceptionally well, I might add - right now, but it's just more of an illustration of how she's able to switch between different roles, different personas, and take a particular mindset and apply it to a situation in her current WWE story.

It's why she's held the SmackDown Women's Championship for so long and why she would be perfect for this role.

Other candidates: Alexa Bliss and Natalya

#2. Cloud Strife, as played by Aleister Black

To go into the entire backstory and motivations of Final Fantasy VII's iconic protagonist, Cloud Strike, in such a small amount of space would be both silly and a disservice to everyone reading this.

It would take way too long and, frankly, there's no way to do it the kind of justice that actually playing the game would provide. But, I can give you a bit to work with so you can see why I picked the Dutch Destroyer for this role.

When Final Fantasy VII (both the original land remake) begin, Cloud is beginning his first mission with the rebel group known as AVALANCHE. Strife was hired based on his past as a former member of SOLDIER, Shinra's highly advanced super soldiers.

From the beginning, Cloud is aloof and stand-offish, not caring to learn the names of those he's working with because, as he informs then, once the job is over and he has his money - he's out of there.

Black, as a character in a WWE, comes across at first very much the same. In his promos, the former NXT Champion seems all business. He wants to fight, he wants to kick you in the head with Black Mass, and he wants to move on to his next order of business.

He doesn't joke around, he doesn't come across as sentimental and, no matter who you are, you eventually regret crossing the guy.

But, much like Cloud does over the course of the game, Black has shown signs of warmth and camaraderie. In 2017, the year before he won the NXT Championship, Black was awarded both the band's Male Competitor and Breakout Star award of that year.

While staying in character while accepting these accolades, Black still managed to just subtly express pride and appreciation for the awards - not just as the man behind the character, but as the character himself.

Much like Black in the ring and during promos, Cloud Strife is a man of very few words - he's not prone to rambling monologues during CGI cut scenes (even back when all his dialogue was text-based).

Black has the look to portray a hardened soldier in a cyberpunk/dystopia-style environment, especially one that's going to go through a lot of mind-bending self-discovery as the story goes on.

Other candidates: Dolph Ziggler and Roman Reigns (since Moxley doesn't work for the company anymore)

#1. Sephiroth, as played by Seth Rollins

AEW star Kenny Omega's finishing move is called the "One-Winged Angel". An unapologetic gamer, the name of Omega's finisher is a reference to the nom de guerre of Final Fantasy VII's primary antagonist - and probably the greatest villain in video game history - Sephiroth.

Much like the great bad guys in literary history in general, Sephiroth wasn't evil just to be evil. He actually started out as a hero, as the Shinra army's (yeah, the electric company had its own army, just go with it) most legendary soldier.

In flashbacks to scenes that take place before, well... before everything hits the fan... we see Sephiroth taking new SOLDIER recruit Cloud (well... anyway...) on a mission and taking enjoyment in the young fighter's enthusiasm and determination.

However, during one particular assignment, Sephiroth learns a horrible truth about his origins and the origins of his incredible combat skills - and it drives him absolutely insane. Eventually, the One-Winged Angel develops a "with-me-or-against-me" attitude, which sets into motion the events that lead into both the original game and the remake.

Now, I don't think that former WWE Universal Champion Seth Rollins has, personally, killed anything with a sword the same length as his body. And, if he has, I don't think I want to know about it.

However, he has proven - very recently, in fact - that he's got the chops to play a character that feels like he's been doing the right thing and has been turned on by the people he trusted and wants to make this world a better place.

In Sephiroth's case, this plan involves lots and lots of murder and destruction which, I don't know I'd have to go back and look, but I'm fairly sure didn't weigh into the Monday Night Messiah's recent heel turn but I could be wrong.

Now, thinking realistically, we're never going to see a WWE produced Final Fantasy VII movie. And, that's not only to be expected but totally fine. This is just fun to talk about.

But, eventually, Aleister Black and the man formerly known as Tyler Black (that's Seth) are going to have themselves a pretty intense feud on WWE TV. Which, if I've convinced you of any of my arguments, is kind of like a Cloud vs Sephiroth main event in the middle of the ring.

But, that's just my picks. What WWE stars would you cast in other roles in an FFVII movie? Or in any other video game adaptation, for that matter. Share your ideas in the comments right down there.

Ex WWE writer blasts Liv Morgan HERE