The Final Goodbye

I slept last night. Peacefully.

I have never experienced war. I have only read, seen and heard about it. And from what I can comprehend, last night was the closest I can imagine how a night would be after the war has ended. Much after when who won or lost doesn’t matter, when people stop wishing how the war could have played differently or when you stop questioning the futility of war, do you feel a serene calmness. I have spent 16 years of my life constantly thinking about what now? What if? What should? And now I know the answers or I don’t care about them.

I started watching cricket when I was a 9-year-old. The 1996 World Cup was the point when I started following cricket or, in the finer sense, him. I learned division calculating Sachin’s strike rate, addition and subtraction through how many runs are remaining, simulation by making the Sachin’s batting pace as variable. I started reading because I wanted to know more about him, I started writing because I wanted to write for him and I started playing because I wanted to be like him.

My father told me the stories of Rama and Arjuna along with Sachin. Stories about his grit and commitment. He was there in my room along with Sonali Bendre. He was there on my study table beneath HC Verma. He was there in my friendship with the people and he was present in the love of my life. And in all these years, I have spend every bit of my time trying to understand why he is, what he is. But just like war, I can only make assumptions about him. But now I feel comfortable with putting all these questions behind. I feel okay with the fact that nothing lasts forever. I have found my solace in the fact that he has been with me and in a much closer sense for 16 years !

He would be around and I would be around too, but I believe that it would be a period when I will enjoy his company under the looming shadow of inevitable final goodbye.