Satire: Ishant Sharma's farewell speech

Ishant Sharma

Ishant, currently the most popular member of the Indian cricket team, thanks to the retirement of Sachin Tendulkar, decided to hang up his boots and managed to come up with a touching farewell speech, inspired by the Little Master himself. Here is the full text of the speech:

*Crowd absolutely silent*

All my friends, please cheer for me, I will get more and more emotional then. My life between 22 yards and 65 mts (talking about the boundaries where batsmen used to cart him for huge sixes), it is hard to believe that the wonderful journey has come to an end, but I would like to take this opportunity to thank people who have played an important role in my life, James Faulkner for instance.

Also, for the first time in my life I am carrying this list, I only used to carry drinks until now. I hope to remember all the names, but in case I forget someone, I hope you understand. It is tough to remember every opposition batsman’s name, especially with their weird spellings and pronunciations. It is getting a little difficult to talk now but I will manage.

The most important person, and I have missed him a lot since 1999 when I stopped visiting him, is my ‘barber’. Without his guidance, I don’t think I would have been standing here in front of you. He gave me freedom (local hair gel brand) at the age of 11, and told me that I should chase my dreams, but make sure you do not find short-haircuts. The path of the hair might be difficult but don’t give up, and I have simply followed his instructions. Above all, he told me to be a nice human being, which I will continue to do and try my best. Every time I have done something special and showed my hair, it was for my barber.

My mother, I don’t know how she dealt with a useless child like me. I was not easy to manage. She must be extremely patient. For a mother, it is important that her child remains healthy, safe and fit. She took care of me for the last 240 overs that I have bowled for India, but even before that she started praying for me the day I started playing cricket. She just prayed and prayed and I think her prayers and blessings have given the opposition batsmen to go out and perform, so a big thank you to my mother for making me famous.

My brother, now what do I talk about him? I didn’t have any brother. But, Vinay Kumar later became one. We have lived this dream together. You will find this hard to believe but even last night he called to discuss my bowling. We have had arguments and disagreements, but when I look back at all these things in my life, without him, I would have been a lesser cricketer.

The most beautiful thing happened to me in 2008, when I first met Ricky Ponting. Those were special years and it has continued and will always continue that way. I know Ricky, being the Australian captain; there was a wonderful career in front of him. When we decided to have a drink, Ricky took the initiative to step back and say that ‘you continue with your cricket and I will take the responsibility of building your career. Without that, I don’t think I would have been able to play cricket freely and without stress.

The dream was obviously to play for India, and that is where my association with BCCI started. BCCI was fantastic, right from my debut they believed in my ability and selecting me into the squad was a big step, so thanks to all the selectors for having faith in me and the BCCI for giving me the freedom to express myself out in the middle. We see it on the mega-screen, Agarkar, Nehra, Dinda, and Munaf, who is not here, and my team-mates right here in front me. You are like my family away from home.

I would be failing in my duties if I did not thank all the doctors, the physios, the trainers and MS Dhoni who have put this difficult disproportionately tall body together to go back on the field and be able to play. The amount of injuries that I have had in my career, I don’t know how you have managed to keep me fit, but without your special efforts, it would never have happened.

I know my speech is getting a bit too long (crowd roars with ‘yessss’), but this is the last thing I want to say. I want to thank all the people here who have flown in from various parts of the world (the opposition batsmen), and have supported me endlessly, whether I scored a 0 (talks about wickets taken) or a 100-plus (talks about runs given with the ball). Your support was so dear to me and meant a lot to me.

I know I have met so many guys who have cracked jokes on me, prayed for me to concede runs, done so much for me. Without that life wouldn’t have been like this for me. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, and also say that time has flown by rather quickly, but the memories you have left with me will always be with me forever and ever, especially “Ishant sucks” which will reverberate in my ears till I stop breathing. Thank you very much. If I have missed out on saying something, I hope you understand. Goodbye.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction and meant for humor purposes only.