Satire: Coach Duncan Fletcher's filmy fever

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and not intended to hurt anybody’s sentiments.

Indian cricket was at its peak. They were the No.1 ranked team in Tests and had lifted the World Cup – that was a phase (2009-11) where “nothing” could go wrong for India. Yet, one man has proven that everything is possible. Meet this extraordinary coach who eats, sleeps and plays games on his laptop. He is employed as a coach of the national cricket team. In the past one and a half years he has taken the team to the standards of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. That is a world record of sorts. India is not even in the top five as far as Test cricket is concerned. Let us look at a few episodes which have made “Duncan Fletcher” the most revered man in the Indian dressing room.

Scene 1: Taare Zameen Par and Ghajini-like scenarios

At the ITC Maurya hotel in Delhi, Fletcher met Ashley Giles. He was once Giles’ coach. Fletcher remembered a scene from Hindi movie Taare Zameen Par where Nikumb Sir (Aamir Khan) trains a boy named Ishan Awasthi so hard that the youngster beats his favourite teacher. Giles, like Awasthi, used to bowl so wide outside leg stump that the square-leg umpire used to order a helmet for protection. He used to see stumps flying everywhere. Coach Duncan stepped in and made Giles a world-beater. Now Giles is locking horns with his mentor.

Giles: Please give me your blessings, Sir.

Fletcher: May you win the series 5-0.

Giles: But Sir, you are an Indian coach.

Fletcher: Really? Are you sure? (He then sees his body like Aamir Khan in Ghajini. He sees the words “I am Indian coach. The team was ruined.”

Scene 2: Chak De India like coach? Not quite

Venue: At a National Camp after the barrage of losses

The team was losing quite consistently. It was during that time coach Duncan came up with an inspirational speech. Like Shahrukh Khan, coach Duncan began his speech.

“70 minutes. you have 70 minutes.” (The team: Huh, is he talking about a rain-curtailed match?)

“Probably the most important 70 minutes of your life (Dhoni: Well afcourse he maybe right.)

“Today, whether you play well or not, (Rohit: Did he just say that you may not play well?)

“You will remember these 70 minutes for the rest of your life (Rahane: I’ll carry the drinks for 70 mins.)

“So I will not tell you how to play today, (The team: What’s new in that?)

“All I will say is go out there and play these 70 minutes to their fullest (Dinda: I’ll jump the highest for 70 mins)

“Because after this moment, whatever happens in life (Sachin, Dravid and Laxman looked at each other for a reason)

“Whether it’s good or not, (Kohli: *&^%@, I am bored)

“Whatever the end result is, whether you win or lose (Dhoni: Shhhhh)

“No one can take these 70 minutes away from you, no one! So, I have decided. I will not tell you how to play today, YOU will tell me, by playing. Because I know that in these 70 minutes, if every player in this team plays the best hockey game of her life. (The team looked perplexed and thought that it might have been a Freudian slip)

“Then even God cannot take these 70 minutes away from you. (Everybody looked at Sachin, who claimed that Duncan was not talking about him)

“So go! Go and from yourselves, from this life, from your God, and from every person who didn’t have faith in you. (The team: Management has total faith in us, what is Duncan talking about?)

“Go snatch your 70 minutes.”

But coach Duncan got brand new hockey sticks for the team and forgot that he is in charge of the cricket team. As usual, the team did not get motivated and failed to get inspired by his speech.

Fletcher: Is team ka ek hi gunda hai. Aur who mein hoon (This team has only one ruler and that is me).

The team: Hahah ROFL…not bad for his age, huh!

Scene three: Munnabhai MBBS like scene

Fletcher got a bit cranky. He started to shout about the poor technique of the batsmen, and how the players were letting the country down. No one was spared – Sehwag was criticized, Gambhir was ridiculed, the entire team was literally abused. When Rohit and Jadeja realized that their names were coming up next, that’s when they gave Duncan Sir “A Jaddu ki Jhappi”. Coach Duncan got emotional and said: “Ab rulaogey kya?” (Will you make me cry now?)

Rohit: Sir, but runs nahi banaye. (I didn’t make runs)

Coach: Don’t worry, tu drop nahi hoga. (You won’t be dropped.)

Jadeja: Sir, main?

Coach: Tum dono mere beton jaise ho! (Both of you are like my sons)

The reason why Fletcher still is the coach:

“Doing things gets you fired,” according to a top BCCI source, and since Fletcher hasn’t done anything he cannot be fired. He is innocent – he does not act as a ruler and neither does he play mind games. Coach Duncan is busy playing the latest games on his iPad. Fruit Ninja tops his list.

He has a problem of forgetting the things. He still thinks Ravindra Jadeja is that guy who scored an unbeaten double hundred to win India the Test match (that happened in the video game that he was playing). Rohit Sharma is like a son to him. At this age how can he abandon his son? So Rohit continues to get his chances.

Coach Fletcher is loved by one and all. Hats off to this great man who lives his life king size.