Satire: The Ashes 2013 - Inside the England dressing room

Location: The England dressing room

(The starting tune of the ‘Final Countdown’ plays)

Graeme Swann: We’re leaving together. But still it’s farewell

Jimmy Anderson: And maybe we’ll come back, To earth, who can tell?

Stuart Broad: I guess there is no one to blame. We’re leaving ground

Graham Onions: Leaving ground.

Steven Finn: Will things ever be the same again?

Tim Bresnan: It’s the final countdown.

Graham Onions: The FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!

Steven Finn: You stole my part Brez!

Alastair Cook: Shut up. All of you. This is a team meeting.

Andy Flower: Get serious.

Alastair Cook: Australia is a formidable opponent.

(The whole dressing room including Cook bursts into laughter)

Alastair Cook: Sorry lads couldn’t resist.

Andy Flower: We need get our batting group, bowling group, fielding group, wicket-keeping group, video analyst group, group making group and preparation group in sync.

Graham Gooch: If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. Drop and give me 50 you ladies.

Some back-room staff member: Don’t you mean laddies, Goochie?

Graham Gooch: Didn’t I say address me as Goochie, sir, Goochie?

Some other back-room staff member: Yes sir, Goochie sir.

Graham Gooch: You left out one Goochie. Drop and give me a 100.

Andy Flower: Can we get back to the cricket please? I need to fix all the mistakes Gilo made.

Ian Bell: Gilo is a great coach.

Jonathan Trott: Ja, hy is braah.

(Kevin Pietersen looks up from his cell-phone)

Matt Prior: English, Trotty

Jonathan Trott: Relax. You’ve all fallen prey to one of my classical practical jokes. BAZINGA!

Kevin Pietersen: I’ve got to tweet that.

Alastair Cook: Back to the cricket. What are our plans for the Australians?

Andy Flower: What about Watson?

Matt Prior: If the ‘what car are you driving’ bit doesn’t work I can always carry some jelly-beans.

Joe Root: I can always tell Chris Rogers Boycs’ mum bats better than him.

Johnny Bairstow: But I wanna say stuff Boycs said.

Tim Bresnan: Atleast you know you’re playing. Unless we decide to pick an all-rounder to bat at 7…

Stuart Broad: Am I batting 7?

Graeme Swann: He means me…

Alastair Cook: Moving on…

Kevin Pietersen: When Hughes comes out to bat we can ask him what razor he uses.

Ian Bell: Why?

Kevin Pietersen: Because he always nicks.

(The entire dressing room bursts into laughter)

Steven Finn: Not if I knock his bloody block off first.

Matt Prior: Easy, tiger.

Graeme Swann: It’s the eye of the tiger

Jimmy Anderson: It’s the thrill of the fight…

Alastair Cook: Will you please focus?

Graeme Swann: Right you are. I’m going to hoping to cut the head off the serpent.

Steven Finn: You want me to knock someone’s bloody block off?

Graeme Swann: No. I’m talking about mesmerizing Michael Clarke with my guile and spin.

Joe Root: Don’t you mean Phil Hughes?

Graeme Swann: No, I’m going to mesmerize Michael Clarke with my guile and spin…

Johnny Bairstow: But he’s a GOOD player of spin.

Graeme Swann: I SAID I’M GOINT TO MESMERIZE MICHAEL CLARKE WTH MY GUILE AND SPIN.

Jimmy Anderson: Yes, Swanny. Tread well in your quest.

Graeme Swann: Did you say Tredwell? TREDWELL!!!

Jimmy Anderson: No. I made it sound like Tredwell. It was a clever play on words. BAZINGA!

Jonathan Trott high fives him

Stuart Broad: That’s your idea of sledging?

Jimmy Anderson: We don’t need to sledge them. You only sledge good players. What do you called a world-class Aussie?

Graeme Swann: Retired!

Johnny Bairstow: Or Michael Clarke.

(Joe Root high fives him while Graeme Swann glares at him.)

Stuart Broad: No, that’s not how you make a scary face. I’ll teach you.

Andy Flower: I hate Giles…

Alastair Cook: What about their bowling? Does the batting group have any ideas how to deal with their bowling, fielding, thinking and beer drinking groups?

David Saker: Well we could always recall Darren Pattinson to mess with their heads….Alastair Cook smiles evilly into the distance