Satire: Indian fast bowlers’ summit in Mumbai at BCCI headquarters before IPL 7

Ishant Sharma and Zaheer Khan

The room is buzzing with Indian medium pacers of the past and present. Kapil Dev swings his moustache and is talking with Munaf Patel about line and length. Zaheer Khan meanwhile is sharing tips with Ishant Sharma on how to go easy on oneself while bowling to protect fragile shoulders, back, ankles and feet, to ensure that you play 20 years for India.

Zaheer Khan: I suggest you shorten your run up to save energy. That way you can dance more at the after match parties and have fun. Also save yourself from risk of injury. Anyways it’s an Indian fast bowling tradition not to cross 130 kmph in your speed. Otherwise, it would be insulting to our great medium pacers like Manoj Prabhakar, Dodda Ganesh and Venkatesh Prasad.

Ishant Sharma: But what about wickets and winning matches abroad.

Zaheer Khan: How can you think about that? Indian pacers always have left that job for our spinners. Won’t that hamper the wickets statistics of our great spinners?

Ishant Sharma: We have some bowlers like Umesh Yadav and Varun Aaron who have broken the tradition by clicking 150 kmph while bowling. What are we doing to coach them right?

Zaheer Khan: Don’t worry. Munaf Patel has been appointed mentor for these young fellows in their off season. He will surely make them follow his personal example. And you too can guide these young guys from your own experience. Who better to teach these boys how to go down 25 kms per hour on speed. After all, you are the next leader of our pace attack.

Irfan Pathan who was standing nearby with a cheergirl joins in the conversation.

Irfan: How can I be left out of this mentoring job? I was the one who set the benchmark for slowing down. Who else has touched the 110 kmph mark in fast bowling in our history? Not even Dodda Ganesh managed to do this.

Meanwhile, Munaf Patel and RP Singh join the group along with Venkatesh Prasad.

Munaf Patel: So, what’s the conversation going on here boys?

Ishant Sharma: We were discussing how to mentor our young bowlers to prolong their careers like we have, by putting in their efforts wisely. One of the keys for that is to bowl within oneself and not try too hard. After all no one expects Indian pacers to take wickets. That we can play for long and make bucks playing IPL for 20 years.

RP Singh: That is exactly what I have focused upon. I train always to peak around the IPL season.

Venkatesh Prasad: I think our pacers need to learn a few things from Kapil Paaji. Look at how he prolonged his career for breaking the world record of Richard Hadlee. Our bowlers need to focus on similar feats. I think Zaheer can be the next to 400 wickets club.

Zaheer Khan: That’s my target right now. I plan to reach there in another 50 Tests, as I need 100 wickets right now. Looking at my current wicket taking speed, that should work out fine.

Ishant Sharma: That won’t be any problem Paaji, for as long as I am in the team, your bowling stats would always look slightly better. I have plans to emulate Sachin paaji and play 200 Tests for India. That way I too can reach 400 wickets.

Munaf Patel: I certainly think it is quite possible. After all, you are the next leader of our pace attack. Under your guidance, all young quicks would surely drop down three-four paces to come down to my current speed. That way even I can get back into the Test squad to join you and Zaheer bhai. We three can then together mentor our young crop.

Some of the young bowlers who were standing in a corner overheard the conversation. One of them commented “These B%S^*&@s are sure going down and taking us with them. Let us hope the BCCI brings some good people to take charge. Otherwise one day Bangladesh would be beating us in Test matches”.