Satire: If cricketers were musicians

How many times in the illustrious history of the game has cricket been referred to as an art? Well, it of course is! If driving can be acknowledged as an art, then why not the bat-and-ball duel that has, on one hand, given birth to many a cross-country rivalry, while on the other, has pacified and eased the political tension between two international neighbours? Once a celebrated artist had declared, “Music and sport are the only two things that can bring about international peace and harmony in this Cold War-torn society of escalating ego and degrading morality.” So here’s my humble endeavour to craft an immaculate synergy of the two forms of art in a, err, sarcastic tone you can conclude! And it’s pretty obvious that IPL will come to my aid in this falsely intriguing venture of penning down imagination on what would have happened if cricketers had been musicians.

Rahul Dravid – Hindustani Classical Music

That classical touch!

Ever since his perfectly gentleman-like speech abroad a couple of years back that mesmerised the Australian and world media alike, and even before that when he debuted at Lord’s in 1996, one always knew the Wall had the tenacity, perseverance, patience, composure and skills of a sitarist pioneering Hindustani Classical Music.

Given his patient style of play, critics gave him little chance when he took over the reigns of Rajasthan Royals in this year’s IPL. Jammy, however, proved it once again that art ran in his veins as he plucked the ideal strings and touched flawless notes en route to guiding his team to the play-offs. His classic traditionalism was showcased yet again via his conventional captaincy and orthodox wielding of the bat through the covers – qualities that one would typically associate with the flavour and melody of classical beats. Had Jammy sought a career as a sitarist, cricket would’ve lost no doubt, but music would’ve witnessed the emergence of a Dravidian gharana, much in the Gwalior fashion!

Chris Gayle – Rapper

He came. He saw. He conquered. And he won hearts. No, I’m not talking about Pitbull, this is Chris Gayle for you. Face hid behind long strands of hair, a bandanna as he walks out to the crease, the bulky figure – every single thing about Chris Gayle would provoke you to link him up with metal and hard rock bands.

But wait. This man won’t massacre his vocal chords screaming, he would let his bat do the talking. A low pitch thud here and there as the ball hits the sweet spot, and the next moment, the ball soars high into the stands. Gayle raps it up in perfect rhythm with his blink-and-you-miss over-boundaries that rockets the scoreboard much like Pitbull’s charts. He grabs the centre-stage when he’s at the crease and seizes the viewer’s attention like none other. He spells his shots rapidly and hypnotizes you in a hangover that takes time to recover from. Drake and Pitbull certainly wouldn’t have minded sharing the stage with this Jamaican!

David Miller – Rock

He waited till the Rapper had hit the charts. Then came the masterstroke – an unbelievable innings that pulled Kings XI Punjab right from the jaws of defeat and rocked the entire cricketing world. Miller strung the chords at the right lengths and dispatched the music to every corner of the ground. He brandished the wooden weapon and struck his fingers with all he had. The electric guitar dazed the crowd and held the fielders on their toes. The enthralling music delighted the selectors and earned him a promotion in the national squad. Just one performance – yes, just a single display of might – was all that he required to shoot up the music charts. Miller rocked the greens; if only he’d have rocked the stages!

Sir Ravindra Jadeja – Pop

That funky hair, those aviators, the yellow wristband and the roguish smile – when it comes to Sir, one should always accredit the best in the field (well, it’s the “best” even if it’s the worst – an oxymoron, just like Sir)! Bearing all the trolls that flooded his mailbox each morning with a smile, hurting the team composition badly for such a long time and then finally coming out of reluctance to rise to Knighthood – if not he, then who? Sir Jadeja has all the qualities of a pop singer – fame resides at his feet, magical riddles are his servants and he can create anything out of nothing (like getting out and yet winning the game without a legitimate ball being bowled)! He is suddenly all aglow, persuading the crowd to sit up and take notice, and then after doling out a few hits, he goes into hibernation (maybe to satisfy his stomach with pop-corns). If Sir had been a musician, nothing would’ve suited him better than a round-the-head mic and cool denims.

Sreesanth – Melodramatic Bollywood scores

When it’s Sree, one just think beyond melodrama. Be it dancing round the trees down the tracks or nudging the English captain on the shoulder or getting a hard tight slap from his very own family team member and breaking down in front of the camera – drama (or the excess of it) will always continue to be correlated with the Kerala pacer. His recent clamouring of being framed by a trusted friend evokes fresh memories of ’90s films. A self-acclaimed singer and music-lover, Sreesanth could have been the perfect voice behind the commercial films of Ram Gopal Verma – at least he’d have mouthed some better words! The opportunity is still there to make some bucks in Bollywood (white, this time) now that his cricketing career is almost on the finishing line!